War on the streets

28/10/2009

I was having drinks with my Minister of Inland Security just the other day and he happened to mention that the Minister of the Police Forces, Constable Siphiwe Ndlovu had issued a decree to all police stations to Shoot first and ask questions later (But only if the perpetrator wishes to enter into dialogue with the officer concerned at the time).

This is an attempt to gain a foothold, however small on the war against crime.

Now, I wish that he had given me timeous notice. Reason being, I woke up the other night to the sound of a raging gun battle less than a kilometre from the Palace. Obvioudly I got my silk PJ’s in a knot, thinking that this is finally it, the populace is revolting.

Turns out it was only an ATM robbery, upon which our boys in blue happened to stumble upon. At this point, its not clear who the ultimate victor was, but as they say, all’s well that ends well.

There are no barbarians at my palace gates.


Electioneering

23/10/2009

 

Remember that word. It is vital to the existence of a dictatorship. But why hold elections if you operate a dictatorship, you may ask. A very astute and very important question.

Always remember where you get your aid from – the West. More than just the West, the Democratic West! And to keep the democratic west providing aid to us, we need to maintain a semblance of what they require of us, even if we do not mean it.

And this means holding elections.

Now, there are various aspects to pay attention to, in order to obtain favourable results in a democratic election, as a dictator, as it where:

  1. Ghost polling stations – always create voting stations that don’t exist. Place them in inhospitable locations, completely undesirable to the foreign observers, so that they won’t go near the station. These stations will reflect you as having won an outright majority. But remember to throw in a couple of opposition votes for authenticity.
  2. Ballot Stuffing – In the run up to voting day, have your staff on the ground mark ballot papers, which ballot papers can be “stuffed” into ballot boxes at will. The best time to stuff boxes will be when they are being transported to the Independent Electoral Commission’s tallying locale. This is where the votes will be counted.
  3. As far as the Independent Electoral Commission is concerned, always ensure that the Commissioner is a close friend of yours and/or family member. This will ensure partiality towards The Beloved.
  4. Intimidation – this tool is always your friend. It keeps opposition voters away from the polls and substantially improves your chances in the vote count, as it were. When  employing the tactic of intimidation, violence and the threat of violence is essential.
  5. In areas where the opposition proclaims to have a stronger hold than The Beloved, do not open polling stations. Cite election violence as an excuse and that it was feared that opposition voters would be massacred in their beds if voting stations opened. You can talk to the masses, but you can’t control them, hence your concern for the safety of opposition voters. I am sure you get the picture.
  6. Arrest. Never underestimate the powerful effect of arresting opposition leaders in the run up to elections. If the voice of the party is gone, the rest are like headless chickens running around bumping into everything, which gives you a further excuse to clamp down on opposition voters: they are the cause for pre-election violence. And always, always  remember that when opposition leaders are being arrested, they will resist. Hence a good beating gets them into the van a lot faster.

Please remember that you, yourself need not go on the campaign trial. Why? Because you are going to win in any event. So rather spend your pre-election time relocating wealth into offshore accounts and packing an emergency travel bag in the event that things do go wrong. If they do, a quick escape will be advisable.

Once out of the country, you can play the victim, the poor leader who has been wrongfully booted from the country that loves him so much.

The last thing to remember is that, even though the opposition parties proclaim their democratic beliefs and ways, do not, under any circumstances, believe them. They are just the next dictators, waiting for their chance to take the throne.

And I would know.


Act No. 2387/10/09 Display of Royal Photograph

19/10/2009
 
  1. It is hereby decided that all buildings/structures/outhouses and/or roofed walls, be it permanent or otherwise shall prominently display a photograph of our Handsome Hero, Leader of the Beloved Mighty Movement (Henceforth called “The Beloved”).
  2. Such buildings as aforementioned will include government, quasi-government, parastatal and quasi-parastatal, NGO and quasi-NGO, public and quasi-public, private and quasi-private structures of whatsoever form and/or nature.
  3. Said photograph is to be distributed by the relevant government authority at the public’s own cost.
  4. Said Photograph is to be permanently displayed and not tampered with or defaced.
  5. Any non-compliance will be brought to the attention of the ministry of inland security and be dealt with accordingly.
  6. Any person or otherwise found guilty of such non-compliance will be charged with non-compliance of Act No. 2387/10/09 and shall face a sentence of direct imprisonment for an undetermined period, surrender of all personal assets and/or wealth to the Leader of The Beloved and possible bodily harassment, as the case may be.
  7. A sample of the photograph to be so displayed is included herewith for brief consideration and/or preparation of the appropriate wall space.

Draft Photograph Act No. 2387/10/09 Display of Royal Photograph

Draft Photograph Act No. 2387/10/09 Display of Royal Photograph

Act No. 2387/10/09 is hereby decreed and passed into law, as it were.


Lesson in Brutality

17/10/2009

 

Brutality is an all important weapon in the arsenal of a dictator.

Why, one may ask?

Well, brutality begets violence, violence begets fear and fear, in most cases, begets obedience. (In the few cases where fear begets rebellion, I have found that a further implementation of brutality usually achieves the desired results).

It is that simple.

Now, I don’t advocate the use of brutality merely for the sake of brutality, as we are not the Romans (or the US), but rather brutality for the sake of keeping the peace, as it where. I would also advocate the use of brutality so as to get one’s own way, especially during what is called “election times”.

Having an excuse for brutality is of vital importance, as it gives one an excuse to say, when the west points their rich little capitalist fingers at one, that events compelled the use of the army or the police (as the case may be) to quell unrest ahead of some important event, even if that event happens to be the inauguration of the new palatial bathroom. Had one not requested the assistance of the police and/or the army, more people would have died.

Often the west or “developed” nations will criticise the use of brutality as unjustified and amoral. Ignore this. The developed world is hypocritical. Just look at the United States: involved in two major world conflicts, yet their elected ruler wins the nobel peace prize. I fail to understand how they can call Africa a “developing” world and uneducated, yet they do not see the irony of the above. Blows one’s dictatorial mind.

An aside – please note that it is important to have a few suitcases full of dollars and/or title deeds to farms readily available should you indeed require the services of the police or army. This greases the wheels of coercion. (Some times a flashy car will do the trick).

I trust that this has been an insightful revelation and has provided further understanding of the inner sanctum of a dictatorship.


The hardest part

14/10/2009

I have a sneaky suspicion that the ‘chief” of the Mighty Movement’s Youth Group has “romantic” designs on my position.

He goes by the  moniker of Julius M, but for the sake of non-transparency (the thought of having my nuts cut off does not appeal to me), lets call him Bra (brother/bro) J.

Bra J has a rather loose relationship with his tongue and seems impervious to the subtle persuasions of Mr Sebenza Whataboy Ditlopo. I feel that I may need to lean a bit harder on my minister of inland security in this regard. I think the promise of a nicely located farm may do the trick and spur him into action.

Now, Bra J has taken a certain large banking institution (we shall call them BledBank for sake of expediency) to task for reasons of glamour and fame. In doing so, I assume he is also gathering Momentum (not the financial institution, though) around his cause of youth orientated activities, legal and otherwise. The main focus of his cause seems to be rather unfocused, but then again, most dictators start off with fuzzy ideals and a huge all-consuming lust for power. And this, I assume is what is driving Bra J. With this momentum, I assume he wishes to drive me from my presidential palace and seat himself upon the throne of power, as it were.

Whilst I do not wish to lose the unrivalled power which I currently posses (I love the ability to jet off to Paris to do grocery shopping), I must stop to admire the youth’s drive and vigour.

Oh the paradox!

And that is the hardest part of  dictatorship.


In the beginning

13/10/2009

I have chosen the theme “Contempt” for this blog, as this is the opinion most have of Africa. For those of you who do not like it, kindly leave a message for me and I shall have my Minister of Inland Security, Mr Sebenza Whataboy Ditlopo contact you and arrange for a meeting, as it were.

Depending on your willingness to accept that which you can not change, please bring along a change of underwear, alternatively a change of clothing, or all money and/or jewelery in your possession (including that which you may or may not have a claim to in the future, by what ever means whatsoever).

Please bear in  mind that Mr Sebenza Whataboy Ditlopo may be a reasonable man, if the price is right. I am sure you understand.

Please also do not leave any anonymous correspondence. Mr Ditlopo does not like to trace. And he will if the need so arises.

Thats all for now.

Thank you.