Remember that word. It is vital to the existence of a dictatorship. But why hold elections if you operate a dictatorship, you may ask. A very astute and very important question.

Always remember where you get your aid from – the West. More than just the West, the Democratic West! And to keep the democratic west providing aid to us, we need to maintain a semblance of what they require of us, even if we do not mean it.

And this means holding elections.

Now, there are various aspects to pay attention to, in order to obtain favourable results in a democratic election, as a dictator, as it where:

  1. Ghost polling stations – always create voting stations that don’t exist. Place them in inhospitable locations, completely undesirable to the foreign observers, so that they won’t go near the station. These stations will reflect you as having won an outright majority. But remember to throw in a couple of opposition votes for authenticity.
  2. Ballot Stuffing – In the run up to voting day, have your staff on the ground mark ballot papers, which ballot papers can be “stuffed” into ballot boxes at will. The best time to stuff boxes will be when they are being transported to the Independent Electoral Commission’s tallying locale. This is where the votes will be counted.
  3. As far as the Independent Electoral Commission is concerned, always ensure that the Commissioner is a close friend of yours and/or family member. This will ensure partiality towards The Beloved.
  4. Intimidation – this tool is always your friend. It keeps opposition voters away from the polls and substantially improves your chances in the vote count, as it were. When  employing the tactic of intimidation, violence and the threat of violence is essential.
  5. In areas where the opposition proclaims to have a stronger hold than The Beloved, do not open polling stations. Cite election violence as an excuse and that it was feared that opposition voters would be massacred in their beds if voting stations opened. You can talk to the masses, but you can’t control them, hence your concern for the safety of opposition voters. I am sure you get the picture.
  6. Arrest. Never underestimate the powerful effect of arresting opposition leaders in the run up to elections. If the voice of the party is gone, the rest are like headless chickens running around bumping into everything, which gives you a further excuse to clamp down on opposition voters: they are the cause for pre-election violence. And always, always  remember that when opposition leaders are being arrested, they will resist. Hence a good beating gets them into the van a lot faster.

Please remember that you, yourself need not go on the campaign trial. Why? Because you are going to win in any event. So rather spend your pre-election time relocating wealth into offshore accounts and packing an emergency travel bag in the event that things do go wrong. If they do, a quick escape will be advisable.

Once out of the country, you can play the victim, the poor leader who has been wrongfully booted from the country that loves him so much.

The last thing to remember is that, even though the opposition parties proclaim their democratic beliefs and ways, do not, under any circumstances, believe them. They are just the next dictators, waiting for their chance to take the throne.

And I would know.


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