My Mistake

26/11/2009

 

Sorry, my mistake.

Turns out it was not a coup d’etat, but rather, as my good doctor has diagnosed: a result of too much Jim Beam (White Label) Bourbon.

Either way, the Americans are still to blame. Why the heck are they allowed to make such bad bourbon?

Bleeuurghh

Sheeeeeeeeaaaaaat. What the? Who the? This stuff would unclog the kitchen sink

 

To be honest, I should have taken a page out of the last King of Scotland’s book. The dearly departed Idi Amin Dada was a firm believer in all things Scottish.

And that is how one learns, I suppose. By trial and experience.

I am, however, left with a conundrum. A few hundred opposition supporters and their leaders were arrested in the unrest which folllowed my most unfortunate incapacitation and are now languishing in prison pending trial for high treason. Do I release or keep them “inside”, as it were?

Prison is not sooo bad…

Advertisements

Attack!! Attack!! Our Handsome Leader is under threat!!

24/11/2009

 

I think I have been poisoned.

Neo-colonialists are on the move…must clamp down on the press… free speech… freedom of movement…must pass legislation…my head hurts.

It must be those revolutionary gun toting bastards in their Toyota Hilux vans, complete with machine guns bolted to the back.

I see Paul Theroux leading them. It must be him! Always, always sarcastic about African dictators…

…A pox on the mining industry. They started this…must nationalise, must take over…Paul you bastard…in and out of my dreams, like a pale white ghost, you white freak…oh wait, that’s Brett Kebble..no wait, he is dead.

Must be Glen Agliotti then…no…no…I will not pay back the bribe…leave my Mercedes…how will I get to the airport to flee then? Shame on you…leave my suit, my shoes!

Paul??

Paul…where is your passport?

Whats this?

I can see the fighter planes…across the mud huts as the children sleep…through the alleys of a quiet city street.
Up the staircase to the first floor…I turn the key and slowly unlock the door …the communist bastards breathe deep into saxophones and through the walls I hear the city groan…
Outside is America…
Outside is America

Like I always knew they were…

 


Don’t piss off the Police.

06/11/2009

Had a meeting with my Minister of Police (Constable S Ndlovu), his conduct advisor, the Chief of Police, his Aide De Camp, the special envoy to the advisor’s assistant to the Department of Civil Unrest and Samson, the tea boy (He brought tea and stayed for the meeting).

article-0-01CF678E00000578-126_468x310_popup
A meeting of the minds, as it were.

It has been decided to, after much reworking, to “sensitise” the latest crime stats, so as to avoid the populace slipping into anaphylactic shock. Hence all crimes are down 83 %. In addition to making the cities seem safer, as it were, it makes me look good too. Five stars for Samson, as he suggested the revamping of the stats.

It was further agreed that the suggestion put forward by the tea boy himself  (after the subtle transfer of a decidedly thick envelope by an undisclosed party at the table to Samson), that the powers of the police are to be extended, more specifically with regards to what was termed “on the spot” fines.

The balance of extended powers is still to be determined, but the Police Force is to use their discretion in the interim.

At the conclusion of the meeting and over white bread sandwiches, I happened to mentioned to the Minister that the American writer, Paul Theroux has been, in the past, less than complimentary of African Police Forces. More specifically, in his book Dark Star Safari, he was of the opinion that African Police were little more than licenced thieves.

As result of his reaction thereto, should Mr Theroux wish to continue his prolific travels within our borders, the police now have orders to shoot on sight.

A further five stars for Samson for that suggestion.


Gun Running

02/11/2009

 

I must say that I do enjoy arms deals.

Why, I am not too sure, but think that it may be something to do with the whole cut and thrust of the thing.

For example:

Yours truly: Well, I am not sure we need 30 Stealth Bombers at a cost of $530 mil. Maybe only 2, ok?

Seller (US): Now, we only sell in bulk, I am sure you understand.

YT: Ok, Ok. How about 10 at 2 million US?

S (US): Hmm, tempting, but lets talk about 15 at $600 mil?

YT: Total?

S (US): Each.

YT: Of course. But then I would like en suite loos for each room in the villa in the south of France.

S (US): Agreed.

YT: Oh, and I want a motorised garage door at the villa. I have never opened a garage door manually myself and I have no intention of starting any time soon.

S (US): Done.

And that is how one gets what one wants.