The sacrifices that I make!

25/10/2013

In the light of Pravin Gordhan’s latest little money talk and given that next year is an election year, I have decided to heed his advice and do a few cut-backs myself.

Financially speaking of course.

So henceforth, as it were, all deliveries made to Nkandla (that bastion of freedom) containing purchases etc made at tax payers expense, shall be made to the gate and no longer to the front door.

The reason being is that the drive to the front door is long and thus a waste of petrol and tax payers’ hard earned cash.

 

You got to let me go to his front door. I have his DSTV magazine!

You got to let me go to his front door. I have his DSTV magazine!

 

So, there it is, Mr Gordhan, my bit for the financial stability of this country.

Please don’t ask more of me!

 

 


Changing Names – The Real Reasons (Part 2) (C) Edookayshun

28/05/2012

Edookayshun, also known in current parlance as “education”.

Where and how does this fit in, you ask.

Let me explain. It’s very simple.

Educated people question before they vote. They want to know what we/I have to deliver, have I made these promises before and have I delivered on these said promises in the past? (Answer: of course not. Not in a million years). Once they reach their own conclusions, they then vote on the basis of these silly, but correct conclusions.

The uneducated don’t. They do what we/I tell them to do. They are easily intimidated and easily fooled. (See Julius Malema). We promise them service delivery (see previous post), we promise them education, as it were, we promise them jobs and we promise them change.

You must use this finger…Huh? …No, your own and you must vote for us. We can bring the same change year after year. Huh? Hey, Bra van my, I know how much change the buses use!

And the uneducated, they don’t think and recognise their poor uneducated position.

No!

They see the promises. They hold onto the promises and they vote for me, never thinking about four years back when they were spun the same rehashed crap.

Now son, let us say that in between elections we do in fact educate these people, my voting populace. We provide schools, we provide text books and toilet facilities with roofs, what do you think will happen?

Exactly!

They begin to think. They think about their places in society, about promises never kept, they start thinking for themselves.

And eventually, I have the hordes at my gates, wanting a slice of the pie, my pie (as it were).

So, there it is…education gives rise to problems. Namely for me.

In other words – a vote for education, is a vote against me.


Electioneering

23/10/2009

 

Remember that word. It is vital to the existence of a dictatorship. But why hold elections if you operate a dictatorship, you may ask. A very astute and very important question.

Always remember where you get your aid from – the West. More than just the West, the Democratic West! And to keep the democratic west providing aid to us, we need to maintain a semblance of what they require of us, even if we do not mean it.

And this means holding elections.

Now, there are various aspects to pay attention to, in order to obtain favourable results in a democratic election, as a dictator, as it where:

  1. Ghost polling stations – always create voting stations that don’t exist. Place them in inhospitable locations, completely undesirable to the foreign observers, so that they won’t go near the station. These stations will reflect you as having won an outright majority. But remember to throw in a couple of opposition votes for authenticity.
  2. Ballot Stuffing – In the run up to voting day, have your staff on the ground mark ballot papers, which ballot papers can be “stuffed” into ballot boxes at will. The best time to stuff boxes will be when they are being transported to the Independent Electoral Commission’s tallying locale. This is where the votes will be counted.
  3. As far as the Independent Electoral Commission is concerned, always ensure that the Commissioner is a close friend of yours and/or family member. This will ensure partiality towards The Beloved.
  4. Intimidation – this tool is always your friend. It keeps opposition voters away from the polls and substantially improves your chances in the vote count, as it were. When  employing the tactic of intimidation, violence and the threat of violence is essential.
  5. In areas where the opposition proclaims to have a stronger hold than The Beloved, do not open polling stations. Cite election violence as an excuse and that it was feared that opposition voters would be massacred in their beds if voting stations opened. You can talk to the masses, but you can’t control them, hence your concern for the safety of opposition voters. I am sure you get the picture.
  6. Arrest. Never underestimate the powerful effect of arresting opposition leaders in the run up to elections. If the voice of the party is gone, the rest are like headless chickens running around bumping into everything, which gives you a further excuse to clamp down on opposition voters: they are the cause for pre-election violence. And always, always  remember that when opposition leaders are being arrested, they will resist. Hence a good beating gets them into the van a lot faster.

Please remember that you, yourself need not go on the campaign trial. Why? Because you are going to win in any event. So rather spend your pre-election time relocating wealth into offshore accounts and packing an emergency travel bag in the event that things do go wrong. If they do, a quick escape will be advisable.

Once out of the country, you can play the victim, the poor leader who has been wrongfully booted from the country that loves him so much.

The last thing to remember is that, even though the opposition parties proclaim their democratic beliefs and ways, do not, under any circumstances, believe them. They are just the next dictators, waiting for their chance to take the throne.

And I would know.