…Aaand we’re back.

05/11/2014

It was said today at the Farlam Commission of Inquiry that the Marikane shooting bruhaha has been the most disturbing incident in our democracy.

To say that this piece of information comes as a relief is a great understatement.

You need to understand that for the last year or so, I have believed that it was me, not Marikana.

Goes to show how bad press can ruin ones day, as it were.

 

Smashing! Wonderfull! "Twas not me!

Smashing! Wonderfull! “Twas not me!


Who’s your Daddy?

06/03/2013

So, anyway, I was having tea the other day (as one does) with a certain unnamed source at Nkandla (lovingly refurbished and upgraded by you, the caring taxpayer) and during the course of the conversation, we got on to the topic of how hard and boring it is to be the man at the top (as one does), how no one really respects me anymore, as it were and that I feel that I may have lost my purpose and/or moral compass.

It was decided that I needed to rediscover my sense of self, my well-being, my happiness.

And what does one do to make one’s self feel better?

Right!

You pick on someone and bully them!

The selection of the candidate was rather difficult, simply because we started at the end of the alphabet (ignoring the Z’s for obvious reasons) and randomly chose V, as one does, to avoid a lenghty debate over appropriateness.

And whose surname starts with a V?

Yes! V for Vavi!

I made some calls, but have since discovered that Brett Kebble is dead, China Dodovu has a prior engagement and Glynnis Breytenbach is no longer talking to me.

So we were left to spreading rumours and allegations, like high school girls at break time.

Things like financial irregularities, handshakes in darkened doorways, black bags of cash. None of which we have any evidence for, of course.

But now things have gotten out of hand. Completely.

What? No, this is all I got from awarding the tender.

This thing, this candle, or whatever it is, I found it in my desk drawer, ok?

Vavi is saying he knows who is out to get him. He is vowing to fight this fight, which fight is not really a fight, but rather a fight over who is the bigger boy on the playground.

At least in my opinion.

I have lost the joy again, that initial rush of happiness and now I need to do something else to make me feel better.

I know, I am going to do some therapy shopping. Nkandla needs a new tv room!

 


Gaddafi is Dead (and it is all his own fault)

21/10/2011

Tut Tut.

Another idiot without an exit strategy.

How many times do I have to tell them:

Exit Strategy! Exit Strategy! Exit Strategy!!!!

Gaddafi was found in a drainage canal. Oh come on, seriously?

Saddam Hussein also had no exit strategy, but at least he was found in a “Spider Hole” hide out on a farm.

Colonel G, you in there, old boy?

Colonel G, you in there old boy? Helloooo?

A drainage canal is NOT an exit strategy.

I suppose Gaddafi was really the dumb boy on the playground then.


Sick Leave – The purpose of:

12/10/2011

We are all human, we dictators. (All except my friend from up North, Robert M. Of him, I sometimes wonder).

We may seem to be animals and demons, but beneath our tough exterior of aggression and fear, we are but flesh and breakable bones.

And this we must put to good use.

Aaaaaaatchoooooo. I feel a cold coming on.

Aaaaaaatchoooooo. I feel a cold coming on.

How and why, you ask?

Fantastic question and the answer lies a bit further from where you think it may. (Actually, I have no idea where you think it may lie, but that is besides the point).

Let me start by saying that there will always be those around you who desire your position of power and status. Sometimes, however, it may not be the easiest thing to spot these assholes, even with the services of rough men like the Minister of Inland Security, Mr Sebenza Whataboy Ditlopo. (Wonderful fellow).

I propose that in some instances, it is advisable to remove oneself from the stage, for a brief period of time and then, from “the hospital ward in Saudi Arabia” (aka: luxury Swiss apartment in the Alps) , watch the political posturing back home, as it were.

And what better way to remove oneself from the stage for a while?

By feigning illness.

There is nothing like the possible death of a leader to light the spark of desire for leadership in others.

Works every time.

And the best part is – you don’t have to put in for sick leave.

 


Act No. 2387/10/09 Display of Royal Photograph

19/10/2009
 
  1. It is hereby decided that all buildings/structures/outhouses and/or roofed walls, be it permanent or otherwise shall prominently display a photograph of our Handsome Hero, Leader of the Beloved Mighty Movement (Henceforth called “The Beloved”).
  2. Such buildings as aforementioned will include government, quasi-government, parastatal and quasi-parastatal, NGO and quasi-NGO, public and quasi-public, private and quasi-private structures of whatsoever form and/or nature.
  3. Said photograph is to be distributed by the relevant government authority at the public’s own cost.
  4. Said Photograph is to be permanently displayed and not tampered with or defaced.
  5. Any non-compliance will be brought to the attention of the ministry of inland security and be dealt with accordingly.
  6. Any person or otherwise found guilty of such non-compliance will be charged with non-compliance of Act No. 2387/10/09 and shall face a sentence of direct imprisonment for an undetermined period, surrender of all personal assets and/or wealth to the Leader of The Beloved and possible bodily harassment, as the case may be.
  7. A sample of the photograph to be so displayed is included herewith for brief consideration and/or preparation of the appropriate wall space.

Draft Photograph Act No. 2387/10/09 Display of Royal Photograph

Draft Photograph Act No. 2387/10/09 Display of Royal Photograph

Act No. 2387/10/09 is hereby decreed and passed into law, as it were.