…Aaand we’re back.

05/11/2014

It was said today at the Farlam Commission of Inquiry that the Marikane shooting bruhaha has been the most disturbing incident in our democracy.

To say that this piece of information comes as a relief is a great understatement.

You need to understand that for the last year or so, I have believed that it was me, not Marikana.

Goes to show how bad press can ruin ones day, as it were.

 

Smashing! Wonderfull! "Twas not me!

Smashing! Wonderfull! “Twas not me!

Advertisements

The sacrifices that I make!

25/10/2013

In the light of Pravin Gordhan’s latest little money talk and given that next year is an election year, I have decided to heed his advice and do a few cut-backs myself.

Financially speaking of course.

So henceforth, as it were, all deliveries made to Nkandla (that bastion of freedom) containing purchases etc made at tax payers expense, shall be made to the gate and no longer to the front door.

The reason being is that the drive to the front door is long and thus a waste of petrol and tax payers’ hard earned cash.

 

You got to let me go to his front door. I have his DSTV magazine!

You got to let me go to his front door. I have his DSTV magazine!

 

So, there it is, Mr Gordhan, my bit for the financial stability of this country.

Please don’t ask more of me!

 

 


Who’s your Daddy?

06/03/2013

So, anyway, I was having tea the other day (as one does) with a certain unnamed source at Nkandla (lovingly refurbished and upgraded by you, the caring taxpayer) and during the course of the conversation, we got on to the topic of how hard and boring it is to be the man at the top (as one does), how no one really respects me anymore, as it were and that I feel that I may have lost my purpose and/or moral compass.

It was decided that I needed to rediscover my sense of self, my well-being, my happiness.

And what does one do to make one’s self feel better?

Right!

You pick on someone and bully them!

The selection of the candidate was rather difficult, simply because we started at the end of the alphabet (ignoring the Z’s for obvious reasons) and randomly chose V, as one does, to avoid a lenghty debate over appropriateness.

And whose surname starts with a V?

Yes! V for Vavi!

I made some calls, but have since discovered that Brett Kebble is dead, China Dodovu has a prior engagement and Glynnis Breytenbach is no longer talking to me.

So we were left to spreading rumours and allegations, like high school girls at break time.

Things like financial irregularities, handshakes in darkened doorways, black bags of cash. None of which we have any evidence for, of course.

But now things have gotten out of hand. Completely.

What? No, this is all I got from awarding the tender.

This thing, this candle, or whatever it is, I found it in my desk drawer, ok?

Vavi is saying he knows who is out to get him. He is vowing to fight this fight, which fight is not really a fight, but rather a fight over who is the bigger boy on the playground.

At least in my opinion.

I have lost the joy again, that initial rush of happiness and now I need to do something else to make me feel better.

I know, I am going to do some therapy shopping. Nkandla needs a new tv room!

 


Changing Names – The Real Reasons – Conclusion (Part 3)

04/06/2012

So there we have it:

The real reason why we change city, town and street names.

In a nutshell, as it were, I have tax payers money at my disposal. I need to spend it, but not on the opportunities listed previously.

Still with me?

To do so would defeat the object, namely my own.

You must however, understand that I still need to do something to show the masses that I/we are with them and what better way to do so by changing street names after people most of us have no clue who or what they are.

It is the fantastic diversionary tactic of honouring the so-called “Struggle Heroes”. And at the end of the day, people forget that they had to take a crap in the bushes, they forget that they have schooling till Grade 3, they forget that they are desperately ill, because once they tell others: “I took January Masilela into town this morning. You know, used to be Church street, now January Masilela. The struggle hero”, all is well with the world.

Simple!

Finally, let the grand old Swazi King Mswati III be an example of what not to do. When faced with the opportunity of spending his voters’ money on changing street names or buying an aircraft, guess what he did?

He went with the plane.

Hey! Don’t touch me on my private jet! OK? Don’t touch me on my private jet!

And now? Now he has nowhere to park it.

Specifically not on January Masilela street!

 


Gaddafi is Dead (and it is all his own fault)

21/10/2011

Tut Tut.

Another idiot without an exit strategy.

How many times do I have to tell them:

Exit Strategy! Exit Strategy! Exit Strategy!!!!

Gaddafi was found in a drainage canal. Oh come on, seriously?

Saddam Hussein also had no exit strategy, but at least he was found in a “Spider Hole” hide out on a farm.

Colonel G, you in there, old boy?

Colonel G, you in there old boy? Helloooo?

A drainage canal is NOT an exit strategy.

I suppose Gaddafi was really the dumb boy on the playground then.


Sick Leave – The purpose of:

12/10/2011

We are all human, we dictators. (All except my friend from up North, Robert M. Of him, I sometimes wonder).

We may seem to be animals and demons, but beneath our tough exterior of aggression and fear, we are but flesh and breakable bones.

And this we must put to good use.

Aaaaaaatchoooooo. I feel a cold coming on.

Aaaaaaatchoooooo. I feel a cold coming on.

How and why, you ask?

Fantastic question and the answer lies a bit further from where you think it may. (Actually, I have no idea where you think it may lie, but that is besides the point).

Let me start by saying that there will always be those around you who desire your position of power and status. Sometimes, however, it may not be the easiest thing to spot these assholes, even with the services of rough men like the Minister of Inland Security, Mr Sebenza Whataboy Ditlopo. (Wonderful fellow).

I propose that in some instances, it is advisable to remove oneself from the stage, for a brief period of time and then, from “the hospital ward in Saudi Arabia” (aka: luxury Swiss apartment in the Alps) , watch the political posturing back home, as it were.

And what better way to remove oneself from the stage for a while?

By feigning illness.

There is nothing like the possible death of a leader to light the spark of desire for leadership in others.

Works every time.

And the best part is – you don’t have to put in for sick leave.

 


Electioneering

23/10/2009

 

Remember that word. It is vital to the existence of a dictatorship. But why hold elections if you operate a dictatorship, you may ask. A very astute and very important question.

Always remember where you get your aid from – the West. More than just the West, the Democratic West! And to keep the democratic west providing aid to us, we need to maintain a semblance of what they require of us, even if we do not mean it.

And this means holding elections.

Now, there are various aspects to pay attention to, in order to obtain favourable results in a democratic election, as a dictator, as it where:

  1. Ghost polling stations – always create voting stations that don’t exist. Place them in inhospitable locations, completely undesirable to the foreign observers, so that they won’t go near the station. These stations will reflect you as having won an outright majority. But remember to throw in a couple of opposition votes for authenticity.
  2. Ballot Stuffing – In the run up to voting day, have your staff on the ground mark ballot papers, which ballot papers can be “stuffed” into ballot boxes at will. The best time to stuff boxes will be when they are being transported to the Independent Electoral Commission’s tallying locale. This is where the votes will be counted.
  3. As far as the Independent Electoral Commission is concerned, always ensure that the Commissioner is a close friend of yours and/or family member. This will ensure partiality towards The Beloved.
  4. Intimidation – this tool is always your friend. It keeps opposition voters away from the polls and substantially improves your chances in the vote count, as it were. When  employing the tactic of intimidation, violence and the threat of violence is essential.
  5. In areas where the opposition proclaims to have a stronger hold than The Beloved, do not open polling stations. Cite election violence as an excuse and that it was feared that opposition voters would be massacred in their beds if voting stations opened. You can talk to the masses, but you can’t control them, hence your concern for the safety of opposition voters. I am sure you get the picture.
  6. Arrest. Never underestimate the powerful effect of arresting opposition leaders in the run up to elections. If the voice of the party is gone, the rest are like headless chickens running around bumping into everything, which gives you a further excuse to clamp down on opposition voters: they are the cause for pre-election violence. And always, always  remember that when opposition leaders are being arrested, they will resist. Hence a good beating gets them into the van a lot faster.

Please remember that you, yourself need not go on the campaign trial. Why? Because you are going to win in any event. So rather spend your pre-election time relocating wealth into offshore accounts and packing an emergency travel bag in the event that things do go wrong. If they do, a quick escape will be advisable.

Once out of the country, you can play the victim, the poor leader who has been wrongfully booted from the country that loves him so much.

The last thing to remember is that, even though the opposition parties proclaim their democratic beliefs and ways, do not, under any circumstances, believe them. They are just the next dictators, waiting for their chance to take the throne.

And I would know.