The sacrifices that I make!


In the light of Pravin Gordhan’s latest little money talk and given that next year is an election year, I have decided to heed his advice and do a few cut-backs myself.

Financially speaking of course.

So henceforth, as it were, all deliveries made to Nkandla (that bastion of freedom) containing purchases etc made at tax payers expense, shall be made to the gate and no longer to the front door.

The reason being is that the drive to the front door is long and thus a waste of petrol and tax payers’ hard earned cash.


You got to let me go to his front door. I have his DSTV magazine!

You got to let me go to his front door. I have his DSTV magazine!


So, there it is, Mr Gordhan, my bit for the financial stability of this country.

Please don’t ask more of me!




Who’s your Daddy?


So, anyway, I was having tea the other day (as one does) with a certain unnamed source at Nkandla (lovingly refurbished and upgraded by you, the caring taxpayer) and during the course of the conversation, we got on to the topic of how hard and boring it is to be the man at the top (as one does), how no one really respects me anymore, as it were and that I feel that I may have lost my purpose and/or moral compass.

It was decided that I needed to rediscover my sense of self, my well-being, my happiness.

And what does one do to make one’s self feel better?


You pick on someone and bully them!

The selection of the candidate was rather difficult, simply because we started at the end of the alphabet (ignoring the Z’s for obvious reasons) and randomly chose V, as one does, to avoid a lenghty debate over appropriateness.

And whose surname starts with a V?

Yes! V for Vavi!

I made some calls, but have since discovered that Brett Kebble is dead, China Dodovu has a prior engagement and Glynnis Breytenbach is no longer talking to me.

So we were left to spreading rumours and allegations, like high school girls at break time.

Things like financial irregularities, handshakes in darkened doorways, black bags of cash. None of which we have any evidence for, of course.

But now things have gotten out of hand. Completely.

What? No, this is all I got from awarding the tender.

This thing, this candle, or whatever it is, I found it in my desk drawer, ok?

Vavi is saying he knows who is out to get him. He is vowing to fight this fight, which fight is not really a fight, but rather a fight over who is the bigger boy on the playground.

At least in my opinion.

I have lost the joy again, that initial rush of happiness and now I need to do something else to make me feel better.

I know, I am going to do some therapy shopping. Nkandla needs a new tv room!





Remember that word. It is vital to the existence of a dictatorship. But why hold elections if you operate a dictatorship, you may ask. A very astute and very important question.

Always remember where you get your aid from – the West. More than just the West, the Democratic West! And to keep the democratic west providing aid to us, we need to maintain a semblance of what they require of us, even if we do not mean it.

And this means holding elections.

Now, there are various aspects to pay attention to, in order to obtain favourable results in a democratic election, as a dictator, as it where:

  1. Ghost polling stations – always create voting stations that don’t exist. Place them in inhospitable locations, completely undesirable to the foreign observers, so that they won’t go near the station. These stations will reflect you as having won an outright majority. But remember to throw in a couple of opposition votes for authenticity.
  2. Ballot Stuffing – In the run up to voting day, have your staff on the ground mark ballot papers, which ballot papers can be “stuffed” into ballot boxes at will. The best time to stuff boxes will be when they are being transported to the Independent Electoral Commission’s tallying locale. This is where the votes will be counted.
  3. As far as the Independent Electoral Commission is concerned, always ensure that the Commissioner is a close friend of yours and/or family member. This will ensure partiality towards The Beloved.
  4. Intimidation – this tool is always your friend. It keeps opposition voters away from the polls and substantially improves your chances in the vote count, as it were. When  employing the tactic of intimidation, violence and the threat of violence is essential.
  5. In areas where the opposition proclaims to have a stronger hold than The Beloved, do not open polling stations. Cite election violence as an excuse and that it was feared that opposition voters would be massacred in their beds if voting stations opened. You can talk to the masses, but you can’t control them, hence your concern for the safety of opposition voters. I am sure you get the picture.
  6. Arrest. Never underestimate the powerful effect of arresting opposition leaders in the run up to elections. If the voice of the party is gone, the rest are like headless chickens running around bumping into everything, which gives you a further excuse to clamp down on opposition voters: they are the cause for pre-election violence. And always, always  remember that when opposition leaders are being arrested, they will resist. Hence a good beating gets them into the van a lot faster.

Please remember that you, yourself need not go on the campaign trial. Why? Because you are going to win in any event. So rather spend your pre-election time relocating wealth into offshore accounts and packing an emergency travel bag in the event that things do go wrong. If they do, a quick escape will be advisable.

Once out of the country, you can play the victim, the poor leader who has been wrongfully booted from the country that loves him so much.

The last thing to remember is that, even though the opposition parties proclaim their democratic beliefs and ways, do not, under any circumstances, believe them. They are just the next dictators, waiting for their chance to take the throne.

And I would know.