Where have all my followers gone?

I have noticed, with a growing sense of irritation, that some of my twitter followers have been abandoning the proverbial ship.

So Gwede (that’s Mantashe) and I sat down around some Johnny Walker Blue (that’s Whiskey) to figure out where the problem lies, as it were.

Me first.

I have discovered a parody twitter account by the name of Jacob G. Zuma (note the period), aka @SAPresident. Now this account comes complete with that stupid little Nike tick at the end, which I am advised by my advising advisors, means that it is a gen-u-wine (that’s American talk) and verified twitter account.

WTF? (that’s Welcome to Facebook).

Now the bupkiss (that’s British colonialists talk) that this parody account comes up with is ludicrous. (that’s the Truth).

For example: Over the last decade, six of the world’s ten fastest growing economies were in Africa.

And: Let us celebrate the Jubilee by promoting peace, unity, dignity and prosperity in our beloved continent! Happy Africa Day to all!

I mean, with all due respect, who pens this sort of stuff?

I have my suspicions. Enter Stage Left: Jackson Mthembu. (that’s theatre talk)

I have noticed Jackson clickety clickety clacking away on the new Blakburry he bought a few weeks back when we went to Chinatown. And discrete inquiries with my service provider tell me that Twitter on a cellular telephone is the next big thing.

So it is apparent that some of my followers are following the tick, as it were. Let me say this – just ‘cos he drives a nice BMW with leather seats and low profiles, don’t mean he’s gonna be nice to you, sweetie!

Hey JZ, my bra! You sure this is what they talk about when they say “Tweeting”? Where is the hashtag button?

Now Gwede, on the other hand, believes that it may have had something to do with my duck tweet of a few weeks back.

Given that Gwede is the more intelligent of the two of us, I am inclined to accept his reasoning.

The Protection of Information and the Establishment of the Media Appeals Tribunal thingy

1. This Act repeals the Access to Information Act (the ATO) in its entirety. (Ie: Any right afforded by the ATO is no longer afforded to anyone, as it clashes with the current Appeals Tribunal, and we don’t want that).
2. This Act also repeals and takes precedent over all and any provision within the Constitution which may or may not affect the implementation and execution of this Act.
3. Any challenge to this Act in the Constitutional Court, will be deemed to be an offence and dealt with in terms of clause 8 below.
4. The primary purpose of the Act is to protect State secrets and information, such as, but not limited to: Official salaries and monies received elsewhere, company financial interests and related tenders, “corporate gifts”, access to State Treasury, acquisition of houses, motor vehicles & companies (legitimately or not), job performance or the lack thereof, who goes where overseas, with whom, does what and purchases whatever and finally, amount of days leave due.
5. The communicated purpose of this Act is to protect the poor. (Note to drafter of this Act – I am willing to go with clause 3 here as it lends a humanitarian aspect to the Act, but I am not sure how. Carry on regardless).
6. The protection afforded by this Act applies only to Government Ministers of the Ruling Party and not that of the Opposition, if any and whoever they may be.
7. The term “Appeal” means nothing, but is merely included to lend the Act some sort of transparency and/or legitimacy.
8. Any person found to have contravened this Act in any way, shape or form will be arrested and detained without trial until such time as they no longer recall the information they wished to divulge.

Ah hahahahaha. I like you. Hahaha "Under the table deal?What under the table deal?" he says. Hahahaha! Now, Bra, this man understands the new Act. Hahahaha

Act No. 3295/12/09 Prohibition of Jim Beam (White Label)

1. It is hereby decreed that the selling, giving, providing, consuming, keeping, holding and/or otherwise anything related to Jim Beam (White Label) Bourbon is henceforth illegal.
2. All persons currently in possession of prohibited contraband are requred to, within 30 days hereof, deliver or cause to be delivered to the Dept of Inland Security any and all Jim Beam (White Label) Bourbon for destruction and/or resale to foreign bidders.
3. Any person found to have contravened this Act shall be immediately found guilty and made to consume all said contraband in their possession or thought to be in their possession, regardless of the quantity thereof.
4. Any person so refusing shall be required to meet with the Department of Inland Security for realignment and redistribution of their wealth.

Act No. 2387/10/09 Display of Royal Photograph

 

1. It is hereby decided that all buildings/structures/outhouses and/or roofed walls, be it permanent or otherwise shall prominently display a photograph of our Handsome Hero, Leader of the Beloved Mighty Movement (Henceforth called “The Beloved”).
2. Such buildings as aforementioned will include government, quasi-government, parastatal and quasi-parastatal, NGO and quasi-NGO, public and quasi-public, private and quasi-private structures of whatsoever form and/or nature.
3. Said photograph is to be distributed by the relevant government authority at the public’s own cost.
4. Said Photograph is to be permanently displayed and not tampered with or defaced.
5. Any non-compliance will be brought to the attention of the ministry of inland security and be dealt with accordingly.
6. Any person or otherwise found guilty of such non-compliance will be charged with non-compliance of Act No. 2387/10/09 and shall face a sentence of direct imprisonment for an undetermined period, surrender of all personal assets and/or wealth to the Leader of The Beloved and possible bodily harassment, as the case may be.
7. A sample of the photograph to be so displayed is included herewith for brief consideration and/or preparation of the appropriate wall space.

Draft Photograph Act No. 2387/10/09 Display of Royal Photograph

Act No. 2387/10/09 is hereby decreed and passed into law, as it were.